YOU are.....NOT the Father!

Have you ever seen "The Maury Show"?

More than likely you have; and if so, then you can attest to watching belligerent mothers, fathers, sometimes parents, and even friends act up! They present all kinds of theories, conjectures, timelines and side-by-side photo comparisons as supposed ‘evidence’, swearing that some male either is or is not the father. If you haven't seen "The Maury Show" (or programs like it) then you have to be part of the small percent of the population who either don't have access to a TV or you're in some religious cult that bans TV watching. It’s likely that neither of these two situations are true for you because, if it were, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article. 😁

When watching "The Maury Show" its easier to just look at the entertaining aspect of it and lose sight of the perspective of the child caught in the middle of it all. In this article, I hope to shed some light on paternity issues, walk you through my own recent experience, share my results with you, along with the lessons I’ve learned through it all. Sometime in early December 2021 during a late evening routine phone call with my mother, I discovered that she and my son had recently completed a paternity test that determines if they are related, and they already received the results. To me, THAT WAS CRAZY! Not only was I surprised that this was done without my approval or buyin, I was also upset by it.

Corey Ruffin is a 20 year old young man who not only have I always viewed and treated as my son, but he was embraced the same way by my friends and family members. From the moment I learned there was a possibility that Corey could be my child in early 2002 when his mother came to me (he was only a few months old at the time), I've made every effort to be active in his life; despite whatever was going on in my own life.

Bear in mind when Corey’s mother first became pregnant, she told me she was pregnant for someone else. I was taken aback with the news, however deep down I secretly felt that she was pregnant with my child. But I wasn't about to argue with her about it. Plus, who would know better than her. So I kept it cordial and wished her the best; and we were still good.

A little time after Corey was born (he was named after the presumed father), his mother got in touch with me and I decided to go see her and the baby. It was a pleasant visit, but nothing more than old friends hooking back up and filling each other in on what had changed for the both of them. It was a few months after that when she told me that Corey was my child. I did what any responsible and logical young man would have done……. I brought that child to my mother and asked her if she thought he was my child. 😁 Little did she know at that time, my mother was my ‘Maury’ and she held the trump card that would've made up my mind either way. I was happy when she expressed with absolute certainty, I'm saying complete confidence that Corey was my child. She even pointed out things in him that reminded her of me at that age. That was all the results I needed, I'mma roll with this dude until the end!

Now, 20 years later, this same amazing woman (my mother) was shocking me with the news of a paternity test and the results. Despite being anxious and having mixed feelings about the news, I managed to keep my emotions in check and braced myself as I listened to her share the results: "He's not my grandson", she said.

Hearing those words, I went through a wide range of emotions, but here are a few clear thoughts that went through my head:

How did Corey take the news? Damn! My intuition about him being my child was all wrong. I wonder how accurate those test are? Stop being silly! Well...he's grown now. Well...I'mma still roll with him to the end. Even though its not what I wanted to hear, its better to know the truth. At that very moment I just accepted it. Because science is...SCIENCE. How can I argue against it. I guess I was just wrong... At least I can hold my head up and poke my chest out on the fact that I "Manned up" and took responsibility regardless of the outcome. 'It is what it is'....and all those other sayings we utter to ourselves when we've either been defeated, outmatched, outclassed, don't have a clue, or simply gave up. But I'mma still roll with Corey to the end anyway.

All the thoughts I had suddenly switched after what felt like an eternity -- but was actually only a pause of about a few seconds -- when my mother happily said "Psych! I'm just playing with you. The test said that Corey is 99% related."

Now, just like a light switch going instantly from total darkness to full bright light, my thoughts shifted to:

I KNEW that was my son! 😁 I'm glad she got that test! 😁

Plus I had a kind of satisfying feeling of the possibility of my future lineage coming through him, which is a feeling I never had nor had I given it much thought. After I asked my mother a few more questions centered around the results, I switched my line of questioning to Corey and how he felt about hearing the results. She explained that he was happy. So, all of us were happy! 😁 I was anxious to talk to him; but I waited a couple of days to call him because, like I said, it was late and I wanted to get my thoughts together for our first conversation after such clarifying news.

The day I called him, I inquired about what was going on with him as I usually do. He gave his usual responses like, "Nothing, chillin”, as though nothing new happened so I carefully pressed a little more. Eventually he brought it up like it was a forgotten thought he had just remembered that really wasn't a big deal, "Oh yeah! Me and my grandmother did a test and the results came back". But I knew it was a big deal for him. How could it not be?!

After going into some deeper questioning around how Corey felt about the decision to take test, the results, and this whole situation, I learned a lot! First that Corey really needed those results! While I was settled on the fact that he was my son all along, Corey had been living with a big question mark of who his real father was his entire life -- 20 years! I learned about his true feelings, what he knew about his mother and my relationship, and some EFFECTS in his life that came from the CAUSE of his mother and my decision to be intimate.

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As you can imagine, this is a very personal topic for me. However, I feel the subject of paternity is not discussed enough from this perspective so I'm not afraid to share mine with you. This is one of the many reasons why I created "Much Love.....Soul": to share some of my views, my truths, my story, and what's going on with me. There's no way to do that and not be personal, right? 😁 I also included an actual copy of the DNA results below. The numbers were blurred out for protection (I don't want to publish the numbers for my family's DNA code on the internet!), but the Interpretation section provides an overall summation of the results.

Paternity tests and paternity issues are very popular these days. According to the National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology Information, approximately 300,000 paternity tests are done annually in the United States with about 28% of them returning negative results; that’s 84,000…..per year!! So although I'm sharing my experience, mine is very far from the exception. The sad thing about the web of concerns spun around unsettled paternity issues is the amount of people it negatively affects. Endless people around every person involved are each directly affected in some way. Moreover, the child caught in the middle of these adult disputes is arguably the person who’s most impacted. The adults are often arguing who did somebody wrong while the child is struggling with their own identity. Not to mention they didn't make the decision that led to all of the confusion.

In a nutshell, my actions yesterday have led me and my family to the results of today. Whether good, bad or indifferent, your actions have led you to the place you are today; and your current and future actions are shaping your tomorrow. The good news is we still have the opportunity to pause and think through probable outcomes to come to a wise, informed decisions before it manifests.

More specifically, when it comes to sex and the possibility of a new life, it would be wise for us to make decisions in accordance with the long term results we want for ourselves and our children. The bottom line is promiscuous sexual relations and infidelity greatly contribute to the paternity issues of today. No, this is not the typical story that you would see on "The Maury Show", I have too much class for that. 😁 I plan on continuing to learn, grow and share...while I focus on what really matters: The child -- no -- the young man in the middle of it all. Corey, I Love You.

Much Love,

Soul