Controlling Sexual Urges

As you may know, I've asked some of the readers of "Much Love, Soul" what kind of topics they would be interested in hearing me delve into. One topic requested was: How do I control my sexual urges in prison? Now...I would like to tell all of you who brought this topic up, because I think it’s kind of funny. However, I don't wanna expose my mother like that :-) Oops! (I told her ahead of time that I was gonna mention that :-) )

This topic "Controlling Sexual Urges" for some, may be too personal to share with the world. Nonetheless, I'm open and comfortable enough to breach it. But, before I actually tell you about myself, I feel the need to lay a few facts out there to set the tone. Then I need to somewhat explain the prison culture in Louisiana to show you the world I currently live in.

Three facts:

1. I guess I have to start with the fact that we live in a world where sex has become more and more aggressive. It's in your face whether you want it to be or not! Every time you turn on the TV, listen to the radio, and hear conversations, you can pretty much guarantee that sex will come up. Sometimes its subtle and other times its raunchy :-)

2. The second fact we need to get straight is this: Sex is not a negative thing. Sex is just as natural as eating, sleeping, or breathing. Its necessary for life itself!

3. Lastly, and probably the most important fact, prison is not a normal or natural environment.

Now please allow me to share the dominant views of the world I live in, so you may get a glimpse at this social environment. Hopefully, this will give you a better understanding of me, my situation and my position.

A good number of the prison's population (from my vantage point) participate in or have participated in at least one of these two categories: Homosexuality, or some form of sexual harassment of the guards. The homosexuality aspect should be simple enough to follow, but for the general Louisiana prison population, homosexuality is not understood the same as it is in society (or with logic). In this world, the male entering another male isn't viewed as a homosexual but the male being entered is. Again, the male entering is respected and somewhat honored while the other is seen as less than and devalued. In cases where both males enter each other, they're both looked at as less than and the act is called "bull daggin'" or "bull laggin'". During my incarceration, I've witnessed the "Casanova" type guys who have girlfriends or a wife, yet have sexual relationships with other prisoners. So homosexuality in here seems to have layers.

When it comes to sexual harassment of the guards, there are many layers also. However, the most prevalent and most offensive form of this sexual harassment happens daily -- and to just about any guard; female or male. Inmates stand in bathrooms, closets, or anywhere they feel they can masturbate while looking at a fully clothed guard, all while trying not to get caught. The sickness in this is the delusional state that many of these perpetrators find themselves in. Many of the females aren't aware of the act; yet most of the guys trick themselves into thinking that the guards want it. To add to the madness -- no one is exempt! This sexual harassment is usually towards the females, but anybody can get it (blind, cripple, or crazy!)

A smaller portion of the population simply lust off the TV, nude pictures, or whatever else they can get their hands on. Decades ago, porn magazines were banned and are now considered contraband. This, I'm sure, helped add to the homosexual and sexual harassment conduct of the inmates being sentenced to decades of incarnation with no legal outlet for their sexual frustration. None of the above are options for me!

There are exceptions to the rule: Every now and then an inmate gets lucky enough to experience a relationship or have sex with a female guard...but it’s very rare :-)

I bring these examples up to show the entire picture. Most of the prison population aren't practicing discipline in any aspect of their lives -- let alone in this one. So I guess the question now is, with all this going on around me, why have I made the conscious decision to control my sexual urges in here? Why are my principles different? I believe it comes from a few main ingredients: My upbringing, my dignity, my discipline and my beliefs.

Though I'm not proud to say it now, I was very promiscuous before coming to prison. So coming from the habit of regular sex, to no sex -- for years -- has its challenges. I had the hardest time with this struggle -- right after Hurricane Katrina -- when I was locked up for the 1st eleven months. Not only did I go without sex for damn near a year, but I also went without masturbation. This was a self-imposed discipline that taught me a lot about myself and gave me tremendous discipline and inner strength! This also prepared me for the years of abstinence that I would endure.

This year will mark my 14th year of incarceration. I can't tell you that I did all of those years without masturbation. However, I can say that I was strong enough and disciplined enough to go...5 or 6 of those years without it at all. Just wet dreams :-) Also, though I did lean on masturbation at times it hasn't been a regular act for me. I basically don't like to entertain that aspect of myself because I believe that the more I feed that desire -- it could consume me!

Now I want to truly be clear: These have been my choices and I'm proud of myself for it. However, it’s not the only option for a prisoner. Other prisoners make different choices that aren't a choice at all for me!

So Mom and world: I control my sexual urges in prison by choosing to do so; by being strong, disciplined, and living by the values I was taught.